Sigh. this blog has been barely alive, randomly gasping for air with little stories and updates. Its time for a challenge. No more school, no more real excuses. Time to step up my blog game.
Not really sure even what to write about– i guess just the status on everything. Work is difficult. I feel exhausted at the end of each shift, get home with 15 minutes to shower and sleep so i can wake up at 5 am. Long commutes really suck. But free rent does not suck, so i shouldn’t keep complaining. I like the people on my unit, the manager, and all the interpersonal things are good– which is rare and a blessing. But i think the pace is so quick, i feel like i’m not even using my brain. Mostly i’m just completing tasks. I never get to really talk to my patients, think about what the overarching goal is, what their plan is, where they will be going, the needs they still have after the stay at the hospital. I guess that may come with time when my time management skills are better. Until then, i feel crazy at work. sigh.
When it comes to updates, i don’t need subtle change of topics.
With that– I started going to a chiropractor. I have been having low back pain and headaches for quite some time, and have difficulty standing or walking for long periods of time. I went for a free consultation and my xrays showed some weird results. I started treatment with high hopes, and am still a bit on the fence– but will definitely update about the progress. The cracking does feel really good and i do find myself being able to stand for longer periods of time. Since it is the begining its hard to say if that is all mental or progress. More on that later.
I think part of the difficulty in maintaining this blog is the name. Eric and I chose it out together, and i think sometimes i psych myself out of writing blogs. I fear i am not living up to the name– like if i want to be cynical it prevents me from writing it out for fear that it appears so hypocritical. Its a good thing though– i can be really cynical and pessimistic given the e-freedom to do so. However, it has made writing consistently hard– which shows the sin in my heart– but we are always a work in progress so– i’m glad you are bearing with me (especially if you are reading this, and not just skimming ).
Spiritually– i have been in a funk. There is no question in that. There have been dark dark moments, desperation and confusion. And to be frank, i am grateful. In this time, i have been pushed to correction, repentance, and re-teaching of the gospel. I have been reminded that it is perfectly normal to be in that place, and there is no shame. I have also learned what the keys are to remaining in christ during these painful times: reminders of what the gospel story is, lovers of christ to love on me, and spending time discussing the things of god with others. Isolation makes these times feel so much dryer, so much lonelier. It makes it all feel so slow and hopeless. But talking about God, spending time with people who love Christ, draws me near to Christ, even if i feel physically unable to do it myself in prayer. God has been correcting me on a lot of things, a lot of misconceptions i have had. Being corrected and admitting you are wrong is hard, and so this has been a hard time. Thank goodness we have a loving, patient, faithful God. He didn’t get restless and weary when i still didn’t get it. He didn’t get frustrated and angry– but gently he remained. Gently, but firmly he spoke truth into my life. Tenderly he exposed my sin, my pride, my idolatry, yet he remained. I kept looking for an emotional response to demonstrate that he was with me– but what i see now is that he is so much bigger and deeper than tears or goosebumps. He is the alpha and the omega, the creator and perfector of all things. If i don’t feel him, does that mean he doen’st exist? If i’m not crying or get goosebumps, does that mean he is not with me?
I am still learning and being reminded, that God is not temporal and fickle– but permanent and faithful. He is who He is, bigger than even my emotions can imagine. and in the end, my purpose is to bring Him GLORY.
So with that– i have a hard time bringing that in practically. How can God’s glory be evident in my day to day life? Is it enough for me to just say “God bless you” to a patient? Though against hospital regulations, should i try to bear witness to the gospel to my patients? At times i feel overwhelmed by the need for leaders and love in church, and yet it is so hard for me to reach out because i myself feel dry. Not really sure what the solution is.. hmm.
Final thought for the day. I was sort of apprehensive about how i would regard this past summer retreat. Would i secretly want things to go wrong so i could be proud of my past retreat organization? Would i secretly want people to beg for me back? Sadly, i did think some of those things and i did have to repent of that.Doing big projects for church is a good thing, but it cannot define me or my place. Not doing the retreats does not mean i am irrelevant and forgotten. And i am glad that my worth and value to the body is not limited by retreats, more than that– i am glad (honestly) that this retreat came and went well with none of my input.
It was a lesson that all the things we do in this life will keep going on when we are gone. If i should die tomorrow– they will hire someone else to replace me. They will find someone else to serve where I am at. All my duties and responsibilities will somehow be taken care of. And if my worth or value should be placed in any of those things of which i am easily replaceable, than my worth is very little. This is a question i will always have to check myself on. I am performance oriented and tend to place my worth in my accomplishments, my efficiency– so I need to be checked and reminded that all of my value is that i am an eternal child of God. THat all of my accomplishments and righteous acts are filthy rags, and it is by deep mercy and grace that i can know and commune with the Holy and Living God.
hm. this was a messy post, but i’m a bit rusty so it will have to do.
1. the retreat was great, because God is great, but i can’t count the number of times i went “where’s lisa?! we need her!!” hahah. you were definitely missed.
2. we should talk sometime about the spiritually dark times. i feel like we’re not open enough about them (as a body), and it makes those of us who feel them more often than others (like me) feel inadequate and alone, which is wrong.
3. love youuuu